“Other people trigger the karma we haven’t worked out. They mirror us and give us the chance to befriend all of that ancient stuff that we carry around like a backpack full of boulders … The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings you need in order to open your heart. To the degree that you didn’t understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you are given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to learn how to open further.”
~Pema Chödrön
Trigger warning.
Mention of suicidal thoughts to follow.
I silenced my phone, unrolled my yoga mat, and lay my body down on the ground. For 45 minutes, I lay there, breathing, searching within, feeling. I started with the body. I noticed sensation and kept breathing, and then shifted awareness to emotion. I noticed which emotions were present and began the process of inquiry and dialogue.
To sadness, despair, grief I wondered, “What does this remind you of? How old are you feeling? Why has this news affected you so deeply? Why is this such a heavy weight? What do you need me to know right now? Is there anything I can do to help?” Tears came, and I kept breathing. I stayed.
A trail opened, leading back to a moment from childhood. I saw her lying there, staring at the wall. I saw the writing on the wall, literally: “I don’t want to live anymore.” The adult version of me in that moment became fully present in the scene, and I began to connect with the younger version of me.
I moved closer, softly. She turned to look at me with a lifeless look in her eyes. “I’m here,” I said, “I see you. You are not alone.” She sat up and started to cry so I held her tight and repeated these words. “I see you. I see you. I see you.” We sat there like that for a while, until younger me stopped crying in my mind, and until adult me stopped crying on my yoga mat.
Something unexpected happened a month ago that sent a shockwave through my system. Typically, I expect to be triggered in the context of intimate relationships — with partners, friends or family. Sometimes, though, it does happen in other ways. This time, it happened to be in the context of my professional life where the triggering took place.
The same day I got the news is when I did this self-therapy session on myself. It was needed and effective, and I’m so grateful to have the tools to care for myself in this way. It wasn’t over after this, though. I spent the next two weeks noticing a lingering heaviness. I was more tired than usual. I went an entire week without practicing the physical part of yoga, which isn’t normal for me. I just felt sad.
And even though I did become curious about this — about why the heaviness was lingering so long over something that didn’t seem to “make sense” — I didn’t shame myself or rush myself through it. I didn’t run and hide with any of my favorite trauma responses, like intellectualization. I let myself rest as much as I needed to. I let myself process all that needed to be processed, in all the ways I needed to process it.
In the end, I came out the other side with a deeper sense of acceptance around suffering. At one point, I remember verbalizing to myself: “This is just another thing to feel and process.” And I don’t mean to make it sound easy, or minimize it. Actually, I think part of the heaviness of it all for me was in realizing how my capacity to be with suffering, was increasing. It was like a growing pain. And there were parts of me resisting it.
Any suffering, whether it’s mine or yours or anyone else’s, is yet another thing to notice, to feel, to turn towards, to be with and to release. The human brain tends to evaluate different kinds of pain and place them on a scale from least to most challenging to deal with. Ultimately though, no matter where it lands on the scale — if it affects you, it needs to be handled with compassion.
As I continue to deepen my ability to have compassion on myself, this naturally ripples outward. And the nature of my work makes it such that I will continue to move closer to the suffering of others. What I learned from this experience is that I’m ready. I’m ready to move closer again. After all these years of doing the deep, dark work of healing my own trauma (which will continue on), I’m more ready than ever to be of service to others in the same way.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone. Find a therapist. Call or text the suicide prevention hotline at 988. Call or text me at 661-440-6228. I know how it feels to be in that place. You are not alone. I see you.
Thank you for reading Feel! I’m so grateful you’re here. If you liked what you read, please consider sharing with someone who may appreciate it.
May you be free,
May you be whole,
May you be peaceful,
Lindsay with an a