In preparation to perform, as he stood on stage lifting the microphone to his mouth and then lowering it, smiling, looking down, fidgeting — a brilliant musician friend of mine would often say, “Open your mouth, and let the words come out.” Once he opened his mouth and began to make sound, I’d wonder how he could ever feel nervous or blocked. That opening line, though, it got me every time. It put me at ease. And it reminded me how the creative process works sometimes.
With writing, in this format, it’s a little different. It’s more like, open your heart and let the words come out.
So much to say about January.
Where to begin?
It feels like this year is a complete 180 from last, already. Not that it needs to be a comparison, but I can’t help noticing. From last January to this, I no longer think I have some sort of auto-immune disease (I don’t, I checked, and yes, I thought so for a while). I no longer allow myself to stay in unhealthy relationships of any kind, no longer abandon myself for anyone or anything. I’m able to pause more. Laugh more, rest more (without feeing guilty!), drive in peace more, even if I’m running late. I’m healthier! I’m embracing all that makes me feel alive.
I’m loving myself.
From last January to this, I also went from feeling like I’d lost the ability and desire to love others, to feeling like I can and want to again. Only it’s different now, the way I love. Metamorphosis always requires an incubation period. And wow did I need to love myself up real good while in the cocoon.
There’s a passage at the beginning of my YTT manual that has stuck with me. It talks about how yoga is power, not love. And how it’s up to the yogi to make it about love. Here’s part of the passage:
“Yoga is power. It’s good to smash the illusion early that yoga is about love. Hopefully as yogis we will be wise enough to direct that power towards our heart, towards love and towards devotion and service… but that is entirely up to us.” ~Octavio Salvado
I’ve been sitting with this passage like a good friend who showed up and handed me a missing puzzle piece — in awe. One thing I’ve definitely gained from my yoga journey is a strong sense of self-empowerment. Adding onto that, the past 1.5 years with my therapist have grown my capacity to be powerful in the ways of having clarity, and utilizing boundaries and assertive communication where needed.
I have often asked my therapist something to the effect of, isn’t it time to focus on loving others again? This typically comes when I feel a sense of guilt or obligation to reconnect to people in my life who have hurt me deeply. And she will often do what she does — ask if this question is coming from a trauma response or if it’s coming from an actual desire in me.
There’s an interesting thing that happens when we start to heal our trauma. It can feel strange and abnormal and disorienting once we start to love ourselves, and be for ourselves and with ourselves. It’s natural to regress back to dissociating and fawning and people pleasing. And so my therapist will remind me what I know but find hard to stay with: I must bring it back to loving myself, and let this ripple out.
So I’ve been in this space for some time. Remembering to focus inward. To slow things down, breathe, feel, listen, become curious about what I want and need and what it looks like to love myself, and respond or relate to the outside world in ways that feel safe and natural and good. Often times this comes with an array of feelings, like sadness or guilt or fear or loneliness. And I’ve been learning to sit with it all, because it all belongs. All of this adds to my power.
But what if it doesn’t have to be one or the other? What if it can be both? I don’t believe it has to be either power or love. I lean towards the idea that it can be both power and love. Like Octavio Salvado suggested, I believe we are capable of directing our power to our hearts, and towards love.
This is where I find myself at the end of January 2024. I’ve landed in my body. I am at home here, and I feel a sense of harmony and homeostasis. From this place, I can open the petals of my heart with awareness and wisdom. I can, and want to direct my power to my heart, and allow myself to love others more fully again.
It’s not that I ever really stopped loving others. While I’m no longer in a place of making these things public, I know I have been loving to others. But it stopped feeling like I was loving others. This is something I’m still sitting with and learning from and slowly understanding better. It probably has something to do with what I wrote about earlier — about how loving ourselves might feel strange and selfish at first.
Trauma healing is a beautifully intricate journey. Life is. And I’m here for all of it. I wonder what February will bring.
Power and love to you.
Thank you for reading Feel! I’m so grateful you’re here. If you liked what you read, please consider sharing with someone who may appreciate it.
May you be free,
May you be whole,
May you be peaceful,
Lindsay with an a
I am so happy for you Lindsay, you deserve all this and more.