“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.” ~Pema Chödrön
I can think of times in my life when I was scared of losing people. And then I can think of times in my life when I was sick of losing people. This is the time in my life when I’m becoming skilled at losing people.
As a child, typically when we come into awareness that people will die — like our parents — this presents an opportunity to connect with the fear of losing people. I’ve felt it with family, friends and lovers. I’ve also felt the sadness of losing someone I knew wouldn’t be in my life forever, like school mates, professors, co-workers, magical beings I met in a foreign land.
After we’ve been around for some time and realize the losing won’t end, as much as we try to prevent it from happening by hoping or grasping harder, this presents an opportunity to connect with whatever feelings come along with that place of being sick of losing people. Tiredness, sadness, grief, disappointment, anger, x, y and z.
I remember shortly after I started my trauma therapy two years ago, I had this overwhelming sense of like, “When is this going to end?!” Turns out when you start to live from a place of self-love and self-care first — especially if you’re recovering from complex trauma (among other things in my case) — setting boundaries and learning when to walk away from people is a big part of the equation.
It took me some time to understand that I was learning how to do something I’d never known how to do before. I was learning how to operate in relationships with self-respect, and how to teach other people how to treat me, and how to leave a person when I needed to. Even when it felt like shit.
Hopefully at some point, we become skilled at losing people. Which isn’t the same thing as being indifferent or cold or mean when we realize a person is no longer good for us. Being skilled at losing people means being honest with ourselves, first. And then being able to observe all the feelings that come along with the loss — the fear, the sadness, the grief — being with and processing these feelings in a healthy way, with compassion. And then losing the person anyway.
I’m at a point now where I feel skilled at losing people. I reread this back to myself and had a moment of wondering, “Is that a good thing, Linds?” Thankfully I’ve also become skilled at accepting and living in paradox. And losing someone doesn’t have to be good or bad. It just is.
I’m grateful for all the things that brought me here and helped shape me into the woman I am today. Now I consider it part of my superpower that, no matter who you are, I have so much love and respect for myself — if it comes down to it, I will choose me every time.
Thank you for reading Feel! I’m so grateful you’re here. If you liked what you read, please consider sharing with someone who may appreciate it.
May you be free,
May you be whole,
May you be peaceful,
Lindsay with an a